If You Could Read My Mind
Title: If You Could Read My Mind
Author: Anne Milne
Email: annem@iprimus.com.au
Website: www.milneyfilms.com/mum
Spoilers: The Diana debacle, post One Son
Rating: PG maybe, for language
Category: Angst, MSR (implied)
Feedback: FEEEED ME!!!
Disclaimer: If you recognize them, they aren’t mine – I’m just playing with them for a while. If you see someone you don’t know, then that’s mine. “If You Could Read My Mind” is © Gordon Lightfoot, 1969, and used without permission.
Summary: Dana sees Mulder and Fowley, and wonders what more she can do.
Thanks: to Vickie Moseley for the beta, and Sara Bowen for the
Encouragement/
Dana Scully and Dr Karen Simpson, a friend of Dana’s from Quantico, were sitting outside a small café just down from the J. Edgar Hoover building, enjoying the warm spring weather during their lunch break. About an hour earlier, Karen had called the X-Files office, wanting to invite Dana for lunch. Dana was about to ask Mulder to come with them, when Diana Fowley entered their basement abode, wanting to talk to ‘Fox’ about a case. When that happened, Dana couldn’t get out of the room fast enough. Every time Dana saw Mulder and Fowley together, it cut her to her very core. She was, however, determined to enjoy a brief respite from work and everything else with Karen.
“I have to ask, Dana,” said Karen, “but is there anything going on between Agents Mulder and Fowley? The gossip that I’ve been hearing at Quantico is that those two are back together.” At Dana’s horrified expression, she hastily added, “Not that I put any stock in the rumors, but I thought that you’d know, one way or the other.”
“That explains it,” said Dana to herself. Then looking at Karen, she replied, “I don’t know if there is anything going on, but I’m fairly sure that if there was, I’d be the last person to ask.”
Karen looked thoughtfully at Dana. “Up until Fowley came back, all the rumors were about the two of you. We were all convinced that Mulder loved you.”
“Maybe he did, but when she came back, he stopped trusting me. It was then that I realized that I had always been a substitute. First, it was for his sister, then for Agent Fowley.” Dana’s eyes clouded up, and she went on, “If he could read my mind, he’d have no doubt about my feelings for him. He’d also know how much I dislike Fowley. But,” she sighed, “he disregards what I say to him. When he won’t listen, there’s not a whole lot I can do.”
“What about Mulder’s friends? That is, if he has any other than you and Agent Fowley?” Karen asked.
Dana smiled softly, then sobered. “He’s stopped listening to them, too. I’m getting to my wit’s end about it. I’ve lost his trust and respect. Trust is everything to Mulder, and he’s taken that away from me, and given it to her.” She wiped her eyes, and added, “I’m seriously thinking of leaving the FBI – it’s becoming too much to bear.”
Karen reached out to her friend, and held her hand gently. “Have you tried telling Mulder how you feel? Maybe, he just needs to be reminded.”
Dana shook her head, and played with her salad. Out of the café, the two women heard part of an old song.
You know that ghost is me
And I will never be set free
As long as I’m a ghost that you can’t see
Dana blinked to clear her eyes. “That’s how I feel, Karen,” Dana said. “Now that she’s back, he simply doesn’t see me. He only sees her.” She blinked again, and then sat with her eyes closed, gathering herself. All she could see in her mind was Mulder and Fowley, getting closer, and her being pushed out.
Dana opened her eyes, and looked at her watch. “It’s time I was getting back to work, Karen. What do you have on for the afternoon?”
“Not much, really. I did my consult with VCS, had lunch with my old friend, and now it’s back to Quantico for me,” Karen replied. “Talk to him, Dana. He should know how you feel.”
“I appreciate your feelings, but..”
“Yeah, I know, thanks but no thanks. Same independent Dana, as always.”
They left the café, as the closing words of the song drifted away behind them:
But the feelin’s gone
And I just can’t get it back
***
Walter Skinner prided himself on his ability to read people. That ability had deserted him, however, as he looked at the dejected special agent sitting before him.
“Agent Scully, your resignation is not acceptable at this time.”
“Please, sir, you don’t…”
Skinner jumped in, “Understand, right. This is not like you, Scully – running away like this. I know that the events of two weeks ago at El Rico were tough, but quitting is not the way to deal with this.”
She sat with her head bowed for a time, then looked Skinner directly in the eyes and said, “Sir, I broke the rules.” At Skinner’s look of confusion, she added, “I’ve lost my partner’s trust. And, now that he has the one he really trusts back, there is no room for me.”
Skinner pondered the situation for a while, as Dana sat quietly, trying to control herself. Finally, he looked at his agent, and said, “Dana, Mulder does trust you. Fowley is simply familiar. I know he respects you.” Dana simply shook her head at Skinner’s comments. He continued, “Your resignation is unacceptable. I will, however, grant you an indefinite leave of absence. Go sit on a beach somewhere, Dana. Try to relax. Go on, get out of here.”
Dana stood up, and looked at the A.D. “If that doesn’t work, then my resignation will stand?” she questioned.
“Yes.” He smiled grimly at her. “Now go, before I change my mind.” Dana left his office, with her burdens just a little less. Skinner, however, wondered to himself just what, if indeed anything, Mulder could do about the situation. Damn Fowley for coming back, anyway!, he thought.
***
“That bitch! How dare she do this to you!” Frohike shouted. Dana had been filling the guys in on the last couple of weeks. “And Mulder has no right to treat you this way! I can see that I’ll need to sort him out once and for all!”
“Don’t bother, Frohike. If you do anything, Mulder will just see it as another way of you being on my side and against him, and I really don’t want that,” Dana responded sadly. “He needs you guys, more than ever. You need to be there for him when he comes to you for help.”
Byers rubbed his eyes tiredly. “But what about you, Dana? You’re our friend, too, and you need someone to look out for you.”
“The only favour that I want from you is to help me with a fake ID, and to not let Mulder know where I am. I’m going to take Skinner’s advice, and find a place near the water, and think things through.”
“Here you go, Scully,” said Langly as he passed her an envelope. “Brand new ID, hot off the press. Joanna Griggs, of Buffalo, New York. Driver’s licence, credit cards, passport – the works. Plus, $500 in cash to get you started. Do you need tickets?”
Dana smiled at her blond haired friend, and said, “Nope, I’m just going to hit the road, and see where it takes me. Road trips help me to relax.”
“Do you want some company?” Frohike asked, hopefully, but Dana shook her head.
“No, Frohike, but I appreciate the offer.” She picked up her things, and moved to the door. Dana nodded at her three friends, and thanked them. Then, she was gone.
“How badly do you think Mulder has screwed this up?” Langly asked his buddies.
“Pretty badly, I’d say.” responded Byers. “Dana Scully doesn’t run from anything.”
“Unless she thinks that she has no chance of winning,” Frohike added thoughtfully. “If she really feels that Mulder wants Diana, Dana will not want to be a part of some showdown. She doesn’t see Mulder as a prize to be won, but as a man to be cherished and loved.” Frohike wiped his eyes furtively, and added, “I don’t think that Dana will come back to D.C. if Diana stays around. Dana Scully is not the type of woman who can share a man.”
“But she is the type to love him forever. Mulder better come to his senses soon,” Byers commented.
***
A small cottage was nestled on the shores of Conemaugh River Lake, not far out of Blairsville, Pennsylvania. It was one of a group of ten or so, built for holidaymakers who wanted something quiet. Dana Scully thought that it was perfect for what she had planned. Some quiet solitude, with plenty of water around – a perfect way to recharge while she thought about what to do next.
The drive from her apartment in Georgetown hadn’t taken too long at all. She had gone to her apartment after leaving the Gunmen’s lair to pack, as well as calling her mom to let her know that she’d be away for a while. That was a conversation she could have done without. As she thought about her mother’s words, it was difficult to stop the tears.
“Why do you insist on saying that Fox doesn’t trust you, Dana? I’ve seen what he’s like. For crying out loud, he has gone to the ends of the earth for you, and you say that he doesn’t trust you. Wake up, child!” Maggie Scully couldn’t understand where this was coming from.
“Mulder, mom. He used to trust me, but now that his ex is back, he’s spending all of his spare time with her. If he had any feelings for me, then they’re long gone.” Dana answered. As her mother tried to say something else, Dana jumped in, “Mom, I’ve got to go now – got to beat the traffic.”
“Alright, Dana. I love you.”
“Love you too, mom. I’ll call you in a few days.” Dana ended the call, and left her empty apartment.
Now, as she sat on the porch, looking out at the still, blue waters of the lake, she considered what to have for dinner. It was beautiful by the lake, and there were no other seekers of solitude in the other cottages. Dana was just thinking how blessed she was, when her cell phone started ringing.
“Hello?” she answered.
“Hey, Scully, it’s me. I’ve got Chinese takeout with your name on it – are you interested?” asked Fox Mulder.
Great, thought Dana, just what I need. “Where are you, Mulder?”
“Just pulling in to a primo parking space right out the front of your building. When you didn’t come back to the office, I started getting concerned.”
“Sure you did, Mulder. What happened to Agent Fowley? I thought that you were with her.” The sarcasm bled through, just a little.
“Diana keeps wanting me to help her out with her cases. I keep telling her no, but she won’t listen. Hey, I’m outside your door, you want to open up and let me in?” Mulder tapped on the apartment door with his foot.
“I can’t.”
“Why not? Ooh, do I need to help wash your back?” Mulder asked suggestively.
“I’m not at home.”
“What do you mean, you’re not at home? C’mon, Scully, open up.” Mulder’s tone became more insistent.
“I’m not home, Mulder. When will you start listening to what I say? Crap.” Dana was starting to become upset.
“Is this about what I said at the guys? Geez, Scully, that was two weeks ago. Get over it.”
Dana heard Mulder moving things around, then the sound of keys in the locks, and the door opening. “Where are you hiding, Scully?”
“Nowhere in my apartment: I said I wasn’t at home.”
Mulder quickly moved through the apartment, and determined that Dana Scully was, in fact, not at home. “Okay, Scully, quit playing with me – where are you?”
“Mulder, I just told you three times that I wasn’t home, and you ignored me. Kind of how you’ve been treating me for the last eight or nine months. I just decided that I needed a break.”
“From me, you mean,” was Mulder’s snide rejoinder.
“Yes, from you, And from Fowley, too. She says jump, and you say how high? I feel like I’m losing you, and I’m having trouble handling that.” Dana said sadly, but from Mulder’s next words, she knew that he had stopped listening.
“Diana’s never done anything to you, apart from that decontamination shower, and that was only because she was trying to help us.” Mulder was angry now, and it was showing in his words and in his tone. “What are you – jealous or something?”
“Goodbye, Mulder. I’ll miss you,” and Dana hung up. She knew that she would have been unable to handle any more of Mulder’s anger, without becoming angry herself. After everything, she didn’t want to say something truly regrettable. She also knew that, unless Mulder could be convinced of Fowley’s duplicity, she would have to leave the FBI, as she would be unable to handle seeing the two of them together. She picked herself up from the deckchair, and moved inside. On the way, she switched off her phone, so she could have an undisturbed night.
Mulder was furious at Scully hanging up on him, and promptly redialed her number. All he got was the recorded message saying the phone was not in use. He hung up and tried again, with the same result. What was with Scully, anyway, he thought to himself. Even Diana had remarked about Scully’s surly demeanour, and now Mulder was wondering what the reason was. Maybe the guys could help him. Besides, they wouldn’t turn down Chinese takeout. He carefully relocked Scully’s apartment, then took off to see his friends.
***
“Come on, guys, let me in. My hands are full, so I can’t knock!” Mulder yelled at the monitors outside Gunmen Central. Langly and Frohike looked at Byers, who nodded and went to let him in.
“Took you long enough. What’s going on? Anything exciting?” Mulder was too busy arranging the takeout cartons to notice the guys’ expressions. He looked up, and said, “What?”
“Nothing, Mulder,” said Byers. “Let’s just eat before it gets cold. We can talk while we eat.”
As they ate, Mulder kept sneaking glances at his friends. All of them seemed preoccupied about something, and Mulder was fairly sure he knew what that something was. “Okay. Spill. What have I done, now?” he asked wearily.
“You just don’t get it, do you? Any one of us would kill to have a woman like Dana Scully in love with us, but you seem to think that her feelings are worth nothing.” Frohike was becoming upset, and Byers put his hand on his friend’s arm, to keep him sitting down.
“Scully’s not in love with me,” replied Mulder. “Diana even said that Scully was interested in Skinner – she said she saw Scully leaving his office earlier today.”
“Yeah, and you believe everything that Diana says, right?” drawled Langly.
“Oh, not you, too? Scully came out with this crap when I was talking to her earlier.”
“You’re a moron, Mulder. The reason Dana’s leaving the FBI has everything to do with how you treat her, and how you seem to be only listening to Diana. Dana was in Skinner’s office, resigning.” Byers answered. Mulder now looked more upset than angry, and asked for more details. “Dana came here earlier, wanting some help. She told us that Skinner wouldn’t accept her resignation, and gave her an indefinite leave instead.”
“Scully wants to leave me?” Mulder asked.
“Dana doesn’t want to leave you, but in her mind, you’ve already left her for Diana. You’ve taken Diana’s word over Dana’s for months, now. Hell, not five minutes ago, you were quoting Diana’s words about Dana being with Skinner. Dana Scully is in love with you, man. Stop treating her like dirt.” Frohike added.
Byers got up, and handed Mulder a sheaf of papers. “Read these, and tell me what you think is going on.”
Mulder was a little surprised, but did as Byers asked. After a few minutes, he said, “We really need to find out who this person is – this is amazing stuff. This person is in bed with the Consortium.” Mulder’s eyes were lit with excitement at having a lead to follow.
“We already know who it is, Mulder,” Byers said. At his questioning glance, Byers said, “Diana Fowley.”
Mulder started to object, but Frohike beat him to the punch. “That is the exact same material that Dana wanted you to read two weeks ago, but you told her she was reaching, making it personal. All we did was take the name off and reprint it. So, tell me, Mulder – when you didn’t know, the person in that file was guilty. Now that you know who it is, is she still guilty, or does her identity make her not guilty?”
Mulder looked sick as he realized how badly he had treated Dana Scully. “I thought I knew Diana,” he said sadly. “I thought she was trying to help me. How am I ever going to make this up to Scully?”
The guys just looked at each other, before Langly took pity on Mulder.
“Start listening to her, and what she has to say. Pay attention, dude!”
“Do you guys know where she is?” Mulder asked. At their negative response, he asked, “Can you help me find her, please?”
“We can try. Dana was pretty upset when she was here earlier, though – you might want to give it a couple of days before you go after her,” Frohike said.
Mulder looked thoughtful. “Can you give me a couple of copies of that file? And make sure it’s ready to go on the internet, too.”
“What are you planning, Mulder?” asked Byers.
“I’m going to get rid of Diana Fowley, and make it so she can’t come back. I’ll give one copy to Skinner, so he can get on with getting arrest warrants going, and I’m going to give Diana a copy as well. It’ll be interesting to have her respond to all this.”
“Make sure that you have witnesses, Mulder, when you talk to her. And don’t let her con you – she doesn’t deserve the benefit of the doubt any more.” Byers insisted.
“You got that right. Coming, boys?” he asked. There was a flurry of movement, then the four men left the warehouse.
***
Dana had spent three days quietly walking along the lake shore, watching the changing moods of the sky, and considering her life, as well as the choices that were now upon her. She knew that she couldn’t go back to the FBI, and risk seeing Mulder and Fowley together. In fact, she didn’t even want to live in D.C. anymore – she didn’t want to take the chance of even bumping into them in a mall, or on the street. It would be far too painful. Yes, a clean break would be better. She reached the dock that belonged to her cottage, and walked to the end of it, where she sat on the lower steps, and dangled her feet in the water.
“It’s beautiful here, isn’t it, Scully?” asked the voice that she loved.
Dana turned slowly, and saw Fox Mulder coming to a stop at the end of the dock. “May I?” he asked, indicating the space next to her. At her nod, he sat down next to her, and after removing his shoes and socks, dangled his feet in the water as well.
“How did you find me, Mulder?”
“Well, Ms Griggs, the boys send their regards.”
“I can see that I’ll have to explain the meaning of the words, ‘don’t tell Mulder where I am’ again. I love the guys, but they should respect me enough to honor my requests.” Dana muttered.
“Come on, Scully. They did what I asked them to. Mind you, it cost me three boxes of those tapes that I don’t own. Frohike drove a hard bargain.”
“When’s the big day, then Mulder? You always said you’d dump the tapes when you were getting married. I assume Diana said yes. Where is she, anyway?”
“Diana Fowley is of no consequence. She is currently awaiting trial, and before the year is out will be in the Federal Penitentiary in Leavenworth.” At Dana’s surprised expression, he explained everything. “The guys had me look over the evidence you found, and when I looked objectively, it was apparent what was going on. I’m sorry for doubting you, Scully. Can you please forgive me?” The puppy dog eyes were out in full force.
“I can forgive you, Mulder, but you’re going to have to give me time. You rejected my findings as an investigator, as well as doubting my friendship for you. That hurt deeply, you know.” She looked over at Mulder, who was nodding at her comments.
“Why did you want to resign from the Bureau, Scully?”
“Do you really want to know?”
“Yes. I really want to know,” Mulder said, moving closer to Dana so that their legs were touching.
“I broke the rules, Mulder. I lost the trust of my partner, who at the time was giving every indication that he wanted nothing to do with me. I feel that I have no option but to resign.”
“Ah, Scully. I have been blind for so long, but I have never doubted my feelings for you.” At her raised eyebrow, he continued, “I have loved you for years. I had the feeling that you loved me, too, and it scared me.”
“And now?” Dana prodded.
“Now, the only thing that scares me is the thought of going through life without you by my side.” He reached into his pocket, and pulled out a Tiffany box. He slowly pulled his feet out of the water, and knelt in front of Dana. Her eyes were as round as saucers, and her hands went to her mouth. “Scully, will you marry me? I will do all I can to heal the hurts that I have caused you. I promise that I will do all I can to show you that you are the most important person in my life.” With tears running down his cheeks, he took her hands in his, and asked again, “Scully? Will you marry me? Please, trust me this time, and say yes.”
Dana took a deep breath through her own tears, and looked Mulder in the eyes. “Yes,” she whispered, “I’ll marry you.”
There, on a quiet dock in southern Pennsylvania, two hurting souls began to heal. Together, as always.