Title: Walking Without You: Reclaiming

Author: Anne Milne

Email: annem@iprimus.com.au

http: www.milneyfilms.com/mum

Date: November 2006

Spoilers: up to S6

Disclaimer: Anyone you recognise doesn't belong to me. They've just come over to play for a while. They'll be back home by the time it gets dark, I promise. Really.

Category: Angst, MSR eventually

Rating: PG13

Feedback: Pleeeeeeeeeease!

Archive: Go for it

Thanks: Sara B., for always giving encouragement. Or, as she says, nagging.

Summary: How the decisions we make shape the footpaths we walk on.

Other stuff: I'm into happy endings.

Walking Without You: Reclaiming

Fox Mulder walked into the basement office where the X-Files resided. It had been three weeks since Dana Scully had left a letter for him. In that letter, Scully had told him that she was taking a sabbatical so that she could think about her life.

Dana Scully had also told Mulder that she loved him.

Mulder had been on a merry-go-round of emotions. He had gone from guilt to anger, from joy to abject misery, and every possible emotion in between. He had gone from saying 'how could she love a loser like me?' to 'how dare she twist my words like that!'

He had been to see the Lone Gunmen, who although sympathetic to his pleas, wouldn't help this time. Dana's mother had also been less than forthcoming, but she was able to point a couple of things out to Mulder. He thought back to the conversation with Maggie Scully, and didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

******

"Yes, Fox, I know where Dana is. The question is, why do you want to know?"

"She's my partner, and I should know where she is."

"Is that all Dana is to you, Fox? Just a partner?"

"Well, not just a partner."

"Fox, Dana told me that she wanted you to find her, but it had to be for the right reasons. Have you thought about what those reasons might be?"

"Did she also tell you what she said in her letter?"

"No, but I can guess. If it was a letter, then Dana probably told you exactly how she feels about you."

Silence.

"Fox, look at me. Have you ever known Dana to be dishonest about her feelings?"

"You mean like when she says 'I'm fine'?"

"That doesn't count."

"Well, no, I guess that she hasn't been dishonest."

"There you have it. When Dana feels something deeply, like the way she feels about you, it's easier for her to write it out. Treasure what she wrote, Fox. I think that we both know what it would have cost her to make herself vulnerable like that."

******

Mulder turned his computer on, and prepared to send Dana Scully an email.

"Scully,

Part of me wants to scream at you, and say how dare you twist my words the way you did, but the thing is, you're right.

I do push you away, but expect you to follow blindly.

I say the words you want to hear from a prospective lover, then bring in other people, including ex-lovers, to act as a barrier between us.

I say that I don't want to do this alone, and then do just that: go off alone.

The hardest thing for me to admit is that I have no reason to do those things, other than an assurance that you would never leave me, that I could keep you sitting on a shelf, unsullied, until I was ready to take you down from that shelf.

I should have known that you are made of sterner stuff than to sit by and let me happen.

When Skinner told me that you had been shot, I could have kicked myself for leaving you behind. However, I had planned to leave you behind all along. Diana wanted me, and I had convinced myself that what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you.

But it did. You would have been hurt to find out about Diana and me, and I know that you would have found out. You were hurt while solving the case, and I was hurt when I found that you'd been shot. I should have been there, I thought. The next thought said, but you didn't want Scully with you, you wanted Diana.

What will it take for me to learn?

I'm still trying to figure that out.

What I want you to know, Dana Scully, is that you have been the best partner I have ever had. You are the best friend I have ever had.

And Dana? No man will ever love you as much as I love you.

I'm working on those right reasons. When I've worked out what they are, you can expect me the following morning.

Yours,

Mulder"

Mulder clicked the 'send' button, and sat back in his chair. He knew that convincing Scully of his sincerity would be tough considering his actions, but he was quietly confident of succeeding.

******

I admit that when I saw that there was an email from Mulder in my inbox, I was uncertain about its contents. I had been away for three weeks, and this was the first time he had been in touch. Mom and the guys had kept me updated, which was good, but it wasn't the same as hearing from the man himself. I sat in front of my laptop, and opened the email.

I had to read the email three times to be sure of what I'd read. There, on the screen, were the words that he had last said to me in a haze of drugs. There were other parts of the email that really hurt me, but at least Mulder was being honest.

In the time I'd been here, here being a beach cottage on Cape Cod, I'd been able to move past some of the hurt from the case in Portland. It was bad enough that Diana had been on the case without knowing that Mulder had thought about having sex with her. Actually finding out from Mulder that he had been willing to sleep with Fowley cut me deeper that I thought possible. After all, the relationship that Mulder and I had didn't involve physical intimacy. Still, for years now, he had been the only man in my dreams.

I had spent time thinking about the pros and cons of an intimate relationship with Mulder. Once I cut through the sound bytes (we're too different, I'm too short, those kind of things), it boiled down to two main issues for me. One, could I really trust Mulder with me? Could I trust him that when I made myself open and vulnerable, that he wouldn't hurt me? The second issue was related to the first: am I really who Mulder wants or needs? I had a perfect knowledge of what body type a woman needed to turn Mulder's head, and it had never been my body type. As far as his needs went, I had full faith in myself that I could love him enough, but that would require that he make himself open and vulnerable to me. Did he have it in him to be able to do that?

When I had sat down to write that letter to Mulder, I had spent hours beforehand thinking and feeling my way through what I wanted to say to him. I had shed many tears while I got the language right, as I didn't want any ambiguities. That letter was too important to mess it up with misinterpretation. I love Mulder too much to hurt him needlessly.

Time for me to think about my next message to Mulder.

******

Mulder was going through the motions at work. Sure, he was catching up on six months' worth of field reports and expense claims, but he didn't have the main reason around to keep him interested. Skinner had offered to assign him a temporary partner so that Mulder could continue to investigate X-Files, but Mulder had refused. The only partner he wanted was on sabbatical, and he was slowly going crazy. It had been a week since he had emailed Scully; why hadn't she answered? Sighing, he booted up his computer, and logged into email.

There in his inbox was a message from Scully.

Quickly, he clicked on the name to open the email.

"Hi Mulder,

I was glad to get your message. So, no other man will ever love me as much as you do, huh?

I knew that.

I know that.

My questions are these:

Do you love me more than you love any other woman?

Am I truly who you want?

All my love,

Dana."

Mulder was taken aback by Scully's questions. Of course he loved her more than he loved. . .oh, crap. The light bulb in his brain went on so suddenly that it almost blinded him. Scully knew that he loved her, but didn't know what position she had on the list of 'Women that Fox Mulder loves.' He certainly hadn't made it easy for her to be sure of her place in his life. As his partner, sure. . .once again, the light bulb flashed, and he realised that no, Scully wasn't really sure of her place as his partner because of all the ditches. And Scully wasn't sure if she could really trust him with her heart.

No wonder that she felt the need to ask those questions in that way.

'Scully isn't certain of her place as my partner, and is really uncertain of where she is on my list of priorities,' he thought. 'What can I do to show her how much I care, and how deeply my feelings for her run? It's going to take a lot more than some pretty words. What are the right reasons to seek her out?'

Mulder sat and pondered his situation, and for the third time that day, the light bulb switched on. A slow smile crept over Mulder's face, and he picked up the phone to call Kim and arrange a meeting with Skinner. 'Scully,' he thought, 'you aren't going to know what's hit you. Let's get ready to rumble!'

******

I had now been away from DC for two months. I had been sleeping eight hours a night; I had been eating proper meals; I had been getting regular exercise. I had finished off five different journal articles, and I was starting to feel like a real person again. I was starting to feel that there was a chance for Mulder and me to share a future. Then, it all came crashing down.

Somehow, Diana Fowley found out where I was, and she paid me a visit.

I was still a mess hours after she left. She stood in front of me, and bragged about how wonderful her sexual relationship with 'Fox' was, and how he was never going to look at me, as they had decided to marry. She was smugness personified as she waved a huge ring in front of my face, and it took all my strength to not retrieve my weapon from the bottom of my case and blow her away.

When I finally was able to pull myself together, I thought about what she had said. Yes, she could simply be making it all up, but it would explain why I hadn't heard from Mulder since the last email I sent him. So, after a calming cup of chamomile tea, I sat at my laptop and sent what could well be my last email to Mulder.

******

Meanwhile, Mulder had taken some time off himself. He had taken Scully's words to heart, and had spent some time analysing himself and his motivation. Some of the conclusions he had reached were less than pleasant, but he was determined to win Scully back. He had been able to discover her location, and was getting some things together to pay his Scully a visit. As he was doing this, he looked over at the monitor, and noticed the email light was on. He sat down, and opened it up.

"Mulder,

I had been hoping to hear from you before now. Today, I found out why you haven't replied.

Congratulations on your engagement to Diana Fowley. She was here a few hours ago, showing me her ring, and taking great pains to tell me about your exploits in the bedroom.

My question now is, why did you say that you love me?

I wish you every happiness.

D. Scully"

Mulder couldn't believe what he had just read. He wasted no time in sending Scully his response, the he called the guys, and asked them to track down Diana Fowley, as he had a score to settle with her.

******

I had gotten past the 'can't stop crying' phase, and was well into the 'how dare they set me up like that' phase. I was taking great pleasure in planning suitable punishments for the two of them. After all, I am a doctor, and I know lots of secret doctor stuff. I was pacing around the cottage, working up a head of steam to rival the grand old engines of the past, when I glanced at my laptop. The mail logo was flashing, so I paused in my planning and steaming to check it out. Of course, it was from Mulder. "Great!" I said aloud. "What the hell do you have to say now? Isn't it enough that your slut was here?" I took a deep breath, and clicked.

"Scully,

You used to believe me, and you used to believe in me. Please calm down and believe me now.

Not one word that Diana said to you is true. She and I are NOT engaged, and I haven't been sleeping with her, either. The last I saw of her was in DC, just before she resigned from the Bureau.

The reason that I haven't contacted you before now is this: I was figuring out the right reasons. Now that I have, I'm getting ready to come to the last woman that I'll ever love.

The woman that I need more than life.

The woman who makes me a whole person.

The woman who saves me.

The woman who I owe everything to.

You, Dana, complete me.

I'm ready to start the rest of my life, with you by my side every step of the way.

My question to you now, is this:

Are you ready?

Until tomorrow.

All my love,

Fox."

In one fell swoop, Mulder had defused my very volatile mood.  If I could believe what he said, then he HAD worked out the right reasons for wanting to see me. The real issue for me was: could I trust him, and trust that he wasn't going to hurt me? I was tired of Mulder hurting me, and I was tired of his apologies that he meant right up until he ditched me again. If we were to start a real relationship, and he was to ditch me, it would scar me deeply.

Could I trust Mulder with me?

******

Mulder was familiar with Cape Cod, given his childhood in Massachusetts, and he was glad that Scully had chosen a quiet spot to relax. Cooks Brook Beach was a delightful little town, with the waters of Cape Cod Bay washing in from the west. It was starting to cool down, and the last of the tourists were long gone, so he and Scully would likely have the beach to themselves. He drove slowly along the street, not wanting to miss the turnoff. Finally, around a slight bend, and at the end of the lane was the house that Scully had rented.

'Come on, Fox,' he thought. 'Time to start the rest of your life with the woman of your dreams.' Mentally girding his loins, he got out of the car, got his bag out of the trunk, and walked up to the front door.

He raised his hand to knock, and just before flesh made contact with wood, the door opened, and there she was. His Scully. He dropped his bag, opened his arms, and took her in a bone-crushing hug. It didn't slip by him that she was returning the hug with all her strength, and he lowered his lips to her hair. Just before he kissed her hair, he whispered, "I have missed you, my Scully."

Her response was simple. "Am I your Scully?"

He pulled back from her a little, and tilted her chin up so that he could look into her eyes. "You're more than my Scully. You’re my Dana, and that's more important to me than anything else."

Dana took a small step away from Mulder, then asked, "What about Fowley?"

"Fowley? What does she have to do with anything?"

She shook her head in disbelief, and walked away from the door, and into the living room. "She has more to do with you than anyone else I know of. What is Fowley to you?"

Mulder knew that he had to tread carefully, and be completely honest, or his future would blow away like a puff of smoke. He moved to sit on the sofa, and held out his hand for Dana to sit with him. Reluctantly, she acquiesced, and Mulder answered her questions.

"You know about my history with Diana, and to me, that's all it is now. My present has had you by my side, and I want to focus my future on you. I know that it will take more than words to convince you. All I want is the chance to prove myself to you. Please, Dana. What do you say?"

She sat quietly, a troubled look on her face. Finally, she raised her head to look at him. "I have one rule, and it's non-negotiable."

Mulder was intrigued, in spite of himself. "What is it, Dana?"

"No ditching." As he started to shake his head, she forged on. "If we are going to have a lifelong close relationship, you need to respect me enough to give me the choice to come with you, and you need to trust that I know my own limitations. That means that you share what you know so that I can make an informed choice. If you don't think you can do this, then now is the time to say so."

Mulder leaned back into the sofa and thought about what Dana had said. She had said lifelong, so she had no problem with commitment. It was no mistake that she had used the words 'trust' and 'respect', as his ditching had shown a lack of those two qualities. He nodded, and said, "Okay. No ditching."

Dana breathed a sigh of relief, and said, "Good. You ditch me, it's a deal-breaker."

"Understood. Now, I have a rule."

"And it is?"

"You can't say 'I'm fine" when I ask you how you are. It bugs the crap out of me when you say that, and it's obvious that you aren't fine."

Dana could see where Mulder was coming from, and said, "Okay. No more 'I'm fines' unless it's the truth."

"Okay. Any other rules?"

"Not at this time." Dana felt that she could relax a little more. "Help me with lunch?"

"Sure."

As they walked into the kitchen, Mulder twined his fingers with hers, and raised their joined hands to his lips, where he kissed Dana's hand. She smiled gently at him, and they started to talk about what they had both been doing in the last two months.

******

Mulder had been here with me at Cape Cod for ten glorious days. We had talked about all the things from the past two or three years that had bugged us about each other. It had been really enlightening for both of us. For example, Mulder felt pushed out when I told him to go home while I was dealing with the Emily issues, and I had felt smothered by him when it seemed to me that he was around all the time. Both of us needed to get these things out into the open so that we could deal with them together. Some of the deeper issues we had agreed to shelve for a time, as we wanted to focus on building a life together.

"What about leaving the Bureau, Dana?"

We had been talking about our careers, and what we wanted out of them when Mulder brought that can of worms out into the open. I answered him honestly. "So long as this isn't an attempt to keep me safe and out of harm's way, then yeas, there are a number of medical paths I could take. Why? Don't you want me as your partner any more?"

"I would always have you as my partner, and yes, I want to keep you safe. I just want you to feel that the non-Bureau option is available to you," he took a deep breath, "as it is to me."

"You thought about leaving the X-Files?"

"More and more, recently. I'm beginning to feel like there's more I can do with my life. Maybe teach, or do research. What do you think?"

I looked at him. He wasn't kidding around. "As long as we're together, then it doesn't really matter what work we do."

Mulder opened his mouth to say something, when his cell buzzed. "Yeah, Mulder."

It was Frohike, with Diana Fowley's location. Mulder wrote it all down, thanked Frohike, and ended the call. I looked at him expectantly.

"Diana's reappeared in DC. Apparently, she's passing herself off as Mrs Mulder, and is trying to get access to my apartment."

"I have to ask this, so please don't get upset. She has never been married to you, right?" I hated sounding so insecure, but I had to know.

"No, Dana, I have never been married, and the only woman that I have ever wanted to be Mrs Mulder is sitting with me right now." His eyes were twinkling, and I thought, 'bless you, Mulder, for knowing exactly what to say to me.'

He stood and went into the bedroom briefly, then returned to sit on the floor in front of me. He opened a small box, smiled at me, and said, "So, Dana, what do you say? Make my existence a life, and become my Mrs Mulder."

I had been hoping for this for years, had imagined him proposing many times, but the hopes and imaginings paled when the real thing happened. All I could do was nod and grin stupidly, and finally I was able to squeak out a 'yes'. He pulled me onto my feet and swung me around, then gently placed me back on the sofa, leaned in, and kissed me thoroughly.

******

Walter Skinner had arrived early at the office that Monday morning. He wanted to make sure that he'd had at least two fortifying cups of coffee before his 9am meeting with Agent Mulder. Mulder was due back from his vacation, and Skinner was unsure about Mulder's state of mind.

Mulder had sent Skinner an email, asking that he make sure that Diana Fowley not gain access to his apartment. Mulder informed Skinner that Fowley was committing fraud by claiming to be married to Mulder, and that the FBI needed to take care of it before Mulder was due back at work. Skinner had involved the DC police, and they had 'escorted' Fowley off the premises. The local District Attorney had assured Skinner that the restraining orders against Fowley would hold up. Shortly after Fowley's run-in with the police, Skinner had been paid a visit by Cancerman. To cut a long story short, Fowley would no longer be a concern to anyone. Skinner was wondering just how to pass that particular snippet of information along.

Finally, at 9am Kim knocked on Skinner's door, opened it, and announced Agent Mulder. Skinner stood when he saw Mulder usher Scully in first. "Sit, please."

Skinner looked from one agent to the other, and finally said, "I was expecting you back today, Mulder, but you still have two weeks' sabbatical left, Agent Scully."

Mulder looked at Scully, grinned, and lifted up her left hand to show their supervisor. Skinner gaped as he took in the rings on her finger, and then his jaw dropped as he noticed that Mulder was casually displaying his left hand, complete with wedding band. Skinner's mouth opened and closed a few times, then he finally got out, "I see congratulations are in order. When did this happen?"

Dana Scully Mulder answered. "Last week. We came home from vacation, and met mom and the Gunmen in Father McCue's office. It was quiet and personal, which is what we both agreed on."

AD Skinner nodded once. "I suppose that you know that married agents can't be partners?"

Mulder answered this time. "We know that, sir, and we'll abide by whatever decision is reached. However, we would like the opportunity to prove that we can be married and still function well as partners in the field. We'd also like to advise you, though, that we're both seriously considering careers outside the Bureau." He turned to his wife, and she nodded her agreement.

Skinner didn't know whether he should be happy for his two agents, or concerned for their future. "Very well, agents. We'll  proceed as if it's business as usual. I have a case here. . . "

******

And there, dear readers, we leave the happy couple. Told you I like happy endings!